Diva in the Desert

Jamie invited me over for dinner tonight, he had Jack and wanted to grill out.  

Friday Fun

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CAUTION MAY BE OFFENSIVE:

This is a real text message log between myself and my ex-employer (now close friend for over 10 years), James.

James:  Sitting on a plane in your town do you feel my presence?

Me:  Like Reggie Bushs' hand on Kim Kardashians' big ole ass.  Get off the plane and I will come pick you up.

J:  Gotta get back but I'll have to come visit before you move.  It will take a while to rub that big ole ass.

M:  Funny, I am wearing my assless chaps today.  I am dead sexy.

J:  DAMN!  Come get me or at least keep them handy for my visit.  I imagine you are popular at the office.

M:  Sleeping my way to the top!

J:  I have a position on top that is open.

M:  SWEET!  Will it fund my move to Houston?  If so, I am officially applying.

J:  Pretty involved interview process but you have the qualifications.

M:  Yes, I call them "The Twins"

J:  Talk to you later.

M:  Peace out.

NOTE:  WE ARE TOTALLY JOKING...just wanted to share.

Happy Friday Freaks!

I sent him this photo.

He responds with, "Thanks, reminds me of Insane Clown Posse".

EDITED:  I keep getting asked who ICP is so maybe this photo will help :)

I started cracking up laughing.  Hilarious.

If you think that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannons wedding was huge....pul--eeeeeze!

People Magazine, eat your heart out.  I would have sold these photos for a reasonable price....

My Kidlet is 4 years old and it breaks my heart then, I want to knock her over unexpectedly.

share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8BbsWLVmzbMoe

I love her.

Today was my first official client meeting and it was with a “high dollar” client.  I got the scoop about my contact before the meeting.  I was told a number of things.

·         This Guy likes to embellish his professional experience

·         This Guy enjoys talking about himself

·         This Guy tends to talk down to others

Great…I am already looking forward to screwing with This Guy.

We arrive a few minutes late because Scottsdale Road is under so much construction that I felt the need to pull out my travel scissors and stab a worker in the neck, kick him in the balls and scream in his face yet, I refrained.

As we walk into the room I notice two additional nerds in attendance.

This Guy ends up looking like a clone of Eddie Haskel but with a NYC accent.

Nerd #1 is Fat Bastard from the classic Austin Powers flicks.

Nerd #2 is the spitting image of Ted Bundy but with greasy hair and I am pretty sure that he was asthmatic, I kept hearing a wheeze.

I reach out to shake Ted’s hand and he offers me not only a limp hand shake but a clammy shake.  Where in the hell was his hand prior to be touching my virgin hand?  Nasty!  I could not reach for my trial sized hand sanitizer so I wipe the sweat on my newly dry cleaned slacks.

This Guy is hilarious.  I can hardly look at him without thinking that at any minute he is going to compliment me and call me Mrs. Cleaver. 

Fat Bastard is gasping with every word that he speaks and Ted is sitting to my left staring at my shoulder for the entire meeting.

As we are winding up the meeting, This Guy explains that he does not do business with companies that expect half payment upfront.  Once he is happy with the final project then he will make the payment.

I am not sure what world this snake is living in but it is not the REAL WORLD.  I smiled at him and shook my head up and down while thinking to myself how I will be able to spin this to the owner of our company.

Fortunately, I have a knack for spinning things and guess what?  I will soon be on the receiving end of a fat commission check.

Sometimes, I just love myself. 

Please Voxers, pray for Fat Bastard and Ted tonight…. I think that they both need to get “some”…soon.

With the song, After Tonight by Justin Nozuka... it is magical, a must hear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgGkJez6pcM

I am not a huge fan of the music video but it ain't bad either.

I just gotta find that perfect man now.... WHERE ARE YOU?

And it is a miracle because I have no clue what I did but the issue is now gone! 

Currently, I rock my own world.

Have lots to update and will do so this evening.  I am back in the saddle again....yeeeehaw!!!

Drumroll please....

Princess Pout

That is my baby girl and she will be 4 years old on Sunday!

You may now sit.

Butterscotch is now dead.  We lost Ginger last Friday to a horrific fish jumping adventure. She ended up under a lamp in my kitchen stiff or "crunchy" according to BBK who I made dispose of her lifeless fish body.

This is the 3rd fish that has died on me in 4 weeks.  I think that I should no longer be allowed to purchase fish.

I can't keep an planted ivy alive and I always manage to over/under cook macaroni and cheese.

I suck at everything.

I started the new job on Monday and so far so good until today.

The owner of the company hands me a list of leads in the medical industry that he has been in contact with over the last 6 months and wanted me to follow up.  Sounds easy enough?  That is what I thought.

I was listening to some old Sheryl Crow motoring along and feeling good about my progress when I get a reply from a decision maker at a certain company that I will fake title, Southwest Regional Prostate Institute for this blog only.

The first line was filled with

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

To myself, I am thinking that is not really the response I am looking for but, whatever.  I read father down.

Ms. Hill:

Thank you for your email, I must admit that it made me smile this afternoon.  Please re-read your message and reply.  Then, we can talk business.

Mr. Medical President

I am thinking WTF did I write?  I have emailed some stupid shit in the past and one time even told a vendor that "I love you" at the end of a message because I was talking to my husband on the phone while typing but I know that I would never repeat that mistake.  Nervously I read the subject line which is fine but the first line read:

"Are you looking to upgrade the current technology at Southwest Regional Prostitute Institute?

Now how one can confuse the words "Prostate" and "Prostitute" are unknown but I did it.  See the photographs if you, yourself are unclear.

Prostate

Prostitute

I felt about 2.5 inches tall but when I called the very nice Medical President to apologize.  He actually took it very well and said that I was not the first to make the typo but it has been a while.

I am working on day 3 and I make this mistake?  What is going to happen in 3 months?  I bet I substitute "infrastructure" for "in-FUCKstructure".  WOWZA!