16 posts tagged “funny stuff”

The Kidlet and I were in Houston for the July 4th holiday.  The night before we left was a bit chaotic.  She wanted my attention, I was washing clothes, ironing and packing.

So I get about 3-5 of these dumb ass emails a day.  Today, I thought that I would have fun with it.

This is what I received:

My response:

Princess Collins,

Thank you for the heartfelt email.  I really needed this today as this morning sucked hard.  The Kidlet did not want to get out of bed then she demanded a vanilla popsicle for breakfast so, I gave it to her along with Red Bull and two cups of coffee.  I don't know why she stays hyper all the time.  Since it seems that you are so very close to God, could you ask him for me and report back?

I am so sorry to hear of your parents tragic end to their life, that blows.  My dad is dead and so is my junior brother.  They just left me some life insurance money, neither was royalty but they both thought that their "shit didn't stink"...that is one of the things that I loved about them both.

Now let's get down to business PC!  Did the King (thank you, thank you very much) leave you $5,000 or $5,000,000?  There is a huge difference.  I mean for $5,000 I just don't think that I can help you.  I mean I could make that slinging black tar heroin on the streets of my town.  Please clarify, this will be a major deciding factor on if we can truly make this loving relationship work.

About the 20%.... sister, that won't fly with me.  I am risking being arrested and you want to give me 20%?  No way!  Make it 50% and we can talk. 

I am so excited about getting your picture that I am about to piss my pants, please hurry. 

Good luck with your education, it sounds like you need to stop sleeping in class.

Take care PC, call me.

Love you,

Kim 

Like I have said numerous times, I am not sure where this came from:

Kidlet:  Hey mom, I want a skateboard.

Me:  Great monkey, let's talk about it.

K:  Sure mom, make sure that you get me one with wheels.

M:  Thank you for the clarification Kidlet, I was sure to purchase you one with triangles that roll.

This weekend was a blast!

Friday was a great day at work, I left early and took her to the library to find new books and a few DVDs.  We later went to Greasewood Flatts for dinner and dancing with Jamie, it was so much fun.

Saturday we wake up and pick up the house, get dressed and meet Logan, her mommy and baby sister at Desert Ridge to play in the fountains.  We had so much fun.  The girls ate pizza and had slushies, ran around in the water then we headed to Barnes & Noble to read books.

When we are driving home I see that The Kidlet is falling asleep in her carseat.  GREAT.... this mama was ready for a nap as well.

As we are walking up the stairs to my loft she wakes up.  And the convo is as follows:

K:  Hey mommy, look at those little berries.

M:  Yeah, they fall off the trees.  They aren't really berries so don't try and eat them...okay baby?

K:  Okay.  Hey mommy, they kind of look like little grapes... but I won't eat them, don't worry.

M:  Great punky, come on let's go... let's lay down for a bit.

K:  Mommy, look at them.... they also look like big, black boogars!

M:  KIDLET, come on...they are things that fall off the trees....don't eat them....move your fanny right now!

K:  OR Mommy, they could be rabbit poopies?

M:  Fine, they are rabbit poopies.  If you eat them you will grow hair on your tongue, your ears will fall off your head and you will forever have a tail that has grown between your baby bootie cheeks!

K:  (Crying) I don't want to grow a tail mommy, I will not put holes in all of my new mini skirts!!!!

That, Voxers is my baby!  She is more worried about cutting holes in the ass of her new mini skirts than growing a tail!  UGH... this child!  Damn, I love her :) 

Hilarious, watch all the way through.... Happy Friday Voxers!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he1rYR_8T4s

NOTE:  I don't Facebook nor do I support or frown on the site (I am so PC)

While at the office today I am talking to the owner and one of the partners.

K:  Do you know those two guys that office at the end of the building?

O:  The ones that never smile?

K:  Yeah

O:  No but they are not very friendly, why?

P:  I think that they are architects or something.

K:  I think that one of them is really cute!

O:  Are you kidding me?

K:  No, why?  What is wrong?

O:  They are identical twins.  They look exactly alike.

K:  Well I only like one of them.

The owner and partner were cracking up laughing.  I doubt that I can tell them apart.  STUPID!

I need to be saving myself anyway for Joe Jonas...hee hee hee.

Jamie and I are having a conversation and it goes a little something like this:

J:  What, do you think that they are having cyber-sex?

K:  What?  Why do you think that.  Do you?

J:  Have cyber-sex?

K:  Yes

J:  I don't even know what cyber-sex is.  Is it when you try to screw your laptop?

Okay so the conversation was much more comedic in real life, I had tears coming out my eyes!  Funny stuff.

This was her email to me this morning:

This is Nokki, being asked which humans he felt most deserved to be strung up by their ankles and beaten across the upper back, with color-dyed banana tree husks.

His response “mmmm....I’d have to go with Kim Hill”

God, I love this girl :)  Happy Friday Voxers!!!!

I called my gal pal Monica yesterday and ask her to lunch for today.  She says yes but that she needs to eat inexpensively so I suggest McDonalds.  I suggest it because I have been secretly craving a Happy Meal for about a week now and it is time to feed my fix.

We meet at noon and it is our turn to order.

McD Employee:  Hi, how can I help you?

Monica:  Hello, we are here for lunch today.

I start cracking up laughing.... NO SHIT!  That is why everyone is here at the lunch hour, she only wants us to order food not explain our reasons for being there.

I guess you just had to be there, I am smirking right now just thinking of her saying that....silly girls.

As most of you know, I have my little quirks.  I know this about myself but there are also things that others do that really rub me the wrong way.

One of those things is when someone walks closely behind me.  I hate that!  I need my personal space and if you invade it, I am gonna tell you.

I had morning appointments today so I show up at the office after lunch.  I grab my purse and briefcase which is super heavy right now because I am lugging around my laptop.  I had a water bottle that I needed to throw away so I am loaded down, Blackberry in the other hand and keys.

I start toward the building, there is a massive courtyard area and this little person (not like a midget or anything but he was quite short) comes out of the blue and begins shadowing me.  This totally pisses me off.

My shoes are at at least four inches tall and I am walking as fast as I can to get Webster off of my ass.  There was no one else around, he did not have to be so damn close to me.  He was maybe three feet behind me and that is to close for comfort.  The more I walked, the more I became annoyed.

What would any other red blooded American woman do in this odd situation?  I don't really care, I will tell you what I did.

I stopped and he almost ran right into me.  I turn my head and snap, "What gives?  Get off my ass"....

He truly looked shocked, "What?  I am, uh...um...I am sorry.  I don't know where I am going and you look like you did".

I am thinking to myself, "Yeah I work here Arnold and there are about 30 other businesses in this building so what are the chances that we are going to the same place"... UGH!

Instead of barking at him I say, "Fine, where are you going?"

He tells me, I have no clue if this company is in this building but before I knew it this is what came flying out of my pie hole, "If you go straight through those doors and turn right you will see the office on your left".

What made me say such an outright lie?  I guess I figured that it would give me enough time to run up the stairs and go into my office and he would never ever find me.

Boom!  That is what you get when you close-follow me....STEP OFF!!!